I have been quiet for the past few days as it has been an emotional and mentally draining\u00a0time.<\/p>\n
Having my family here for my nephew’s wedding\u00a0on Saturday gave me the spark to get\u00a0through the first few days after discharge. (Also they had filled me with IV fluid so\u00a0I was over hydrated on discharge for a change.)\u00a0\u00a0I have had my parents, sister and hubby stay and still have another brother and niece to stay\u00a0this week.\u00a0At the wedding I saw many family and caught up with several friends from days gone by. The wedding went smoothly and the predicted thunderstorms did not really eventuate,\u00a0so the rain that occurred did not affect the reception that was held in the park.<\/p>\n
But with people coming, it also means saying goodbye when they have to go home. And with my prognosis being somewhat\u00a0up in the air\u00a0at the moment,\u00a0it heightens the unknown things of the future.<\/p>\n
Probably because the weekend was very physically taxing, it would be reasonable to expect that I would struggle mentally afterwards. I have not journaled becasue\u00a0I did not like the negativity of my thoughts and the lack of will to fight on any more. I knew I owed it to everyone to keep on fighting.<\/p>\n
I know\u00a0I should not think about the “what if the chemo is not doing anything”, and “why am\u00a0I putting myself through this chemo and making myself feel so sick when I was feeling ok before I started”. I get sick of fighting every moment to make myself eat and drink, when my brain is saying “Yuk”, my taste buds taste nothing but a creamy \/ buttery sometimes metallic\u00a0non event taste all the time and gives no pleasure\u00a0to eating. I know that\u00a0I desperately need to keep eating because my muscle and fat stores are wasting away and there is no padding left over my bones. It is all so logical, but I just don’t feel like eating or drinking anything. And over the last few days\u00a0I did not have the energy to stay on top and believe this is all worthwhile.<\/p>\n
Today\u00a0I have regrouped and God has given me the energy to start to claw back purpose to my life. My friend Karen is here overnight and just having her in the house has brightened my spirits.<\/p>\n
Maybe I will be around for a good period of time after chemo and there will be quality to my life again.\u00a0I should not be so shortsighted and only see life in terms of how\u00a0I feel now. But on those down days,\u00a0I cant see that\u00a0I will have energy again to do the things that\u00a0I want to, to entertain, to\u00a0taste food and enjoy eating or be able to contribute to the family rather than lie down all day trying to get the energy to stand up and have a shower or pour a drink.<\/p>\n
I\u00a0read in magazines or\u00a0see on the news etc\u00a0those famous people who have battled with cancer. They have had fight. They sound like they powered through the experience and come out the other side. Why cant I be like them? Surely they struggled. Surely I am not the only one who has a rough time with chemo?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have been quiet for the past few days as it has been an emotional and mentally draining\u00a0time. Having my family here for my nephew’s wedding\u00a0on Saturday gave me the spark to get\u00a0through the first few days after discharge. (Also they had filled me with IV fluid so\u00a0I was over hydrated on discharge for a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-44","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.path2petrie.com\/journal\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.path2petrie.com\/journal\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.path2petrie.com\/journal\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.path2petrie.com\/journal\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.path2petrie.com\/journal\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=44"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.path2petrie.com\/journal\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":81,"href":"https:\/\/www.path2petrie.com\/journal\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44\/revisions\/81"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.path2petrie.com\/journal\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=44"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.path2petrie.com\/journal\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=44"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.path2petrie.com\/journal\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=44"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}