Fran's Journal Fran's Journey of Hope

January 12, 2009

Cycle 4

Filed under: Uncategorized — Fran @ 4:52 pm

Well this has so far been the best cycle that I have had. I know I should not count the chickens before they hatch, with one more week to go in the cycle, but I must confess it has been easier than the last 3. That does not mean that I am free of side effects, but that I am riding them a little easier and there has not been any wild cards so far.

It also has been a quieter. Last cycle was very busy with the wedding and Xmas. In some ways it flew by becasue I had family around for so much of the time. This cycle has dragged a lot more.

I have had more energy so am forcing my lazy self to walk Charlie in the dog park at least 3 times a week. I have noticed that my leg muscles are a bit stronger and that with each walk I don’t feel so faint. I also set myself a task to do each day, so that i feel like I am accomplishing something.

This cycle has not been without the mind battles. On a couple of days I became quite anxious in the morning and felt some of my old panic mind patterns happening. But I was able tio pull myself up quickly with prayer and also looking at the ways that I am in control of the moment therefore not letting that free floating anxiety start a spiral.

I probably cry most of the days of the week. Sometimes the littlest thing on TV or thought triggers the emotion. I allow myself a few seconds to indulge in tears and then pull myself up. Sometimes it is self pity, other times it is grieving for things I have lost, or things I perceive I will lose. Sometimes it is sadness on behalf of others – grieving on behalf of others.

I have my CT Scan booked for this Friday, but I doubt I will know the result till the following Tuesday. I try not to wander that far in my thinking. I don’t know if I am ready to find out if the cancer is still progressing. I am concerned because my liver is larger than before, and is very tender at times. But maybe that is just the chemo. Also I feel different around the midriff – the stomach / liver areas – as if things are getting squashed in there. Maybe it is just mind over matter. My liver function was the worst it has ever been at the beginning of his cycle, but then the chemo can make it go up and down, so maybe it is not from growth of the tumors. Just have to be patient.

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