Fran's Journal Fran's Journey of Hope

Have been very busy trying to organise things. Time is very precious because I dont know how much I have left. Thus continues my great sense of urgency to push and get the things done.

It has been an interesting experience doing funeral planning. Once I got started I am enjoying it (funny word to use!), trying to think of all those things that will be of significance to me and those who surround me. It is fascinating what you can do, the sky is the limit! I have found a funeral director who I really like. It is like we are organising a function, it is not morbid or sad. It is more about celebrating who I am and who God is for me. I could choose to get bogged down in oh how sad and all the rest, but that’s not going to help, so let’s be practical and focus on what will give the occasion meaning for everyone. Also how to ensure that the focus is on the great God who is holding me and nourishing me at the moment so richly.

This week is my 4 day trip to Adelaide. I am stockpiling all my energy for that. It will be physically and emotionally exhausting, but it is something that I really want to do. I must admit, there will be great feeling of relief and achievement when the plane touches down in Brisbane next Saturday.

I have so many possessions, financials matters, odds and sods that I want to put in order. I want to refurnish the lounge and if possible organise insulation for the roof (it’s mad, but we don’t have any and this is a hot summer) and maybe if I can another air conditioner. Funny the things that become important!

So there is plenty to do and it seems like there is not much time. I don’t know why I have the sense of urgency. I know I will be able to rest easier once these things are done. That does not mean I will turn up my toes and want to die once I have completed the above. Hey I have so many wonderful people to live for. But I also know reality. I know I am dying.

My path is not one of anguish and distress. I feel calm. This is my task. Some people have a job they have to get up to each day to do, some have exciting holidays to go on, at the moment, my job is preparing to die and go to heaven. It is not scary. It is not a place of turmoil. Sure I have sadness, sense of loss. There is nothing brave about it, it is that I am on a different path. If I am being brave so is everyone else getting up and doing whatever they have to do for the day. I really don’t see the difference.

I realise there is no prizes for martyrs, so am learning to stop and rest a bit more and take the pain medication more regularly. And when it does not cover me, rest a bit more and it passes. Yes, I get uncomfortable as the liver gets bigger and squashes everything. And I notice each week that I can feel more lumps and that the liver is taking up more space etc. And it can give me a bit of a fright, but hey that’s the disease. Got to go with the flow.

So please do not feel sorry for me. Please do not pity me. Please don’t say its not fair, because it is not a matter of fair or unfair. All I want is to spend time with you, hearing what is going on in your life, what is mattering to you. Just hanging out like we have for so many years. Nothing has changed, except I am going go to be spoilt soon and spend eternity in heaven. Yes, it will be a great release from this life. And one I look forward to sharing with you in days to come.